What is your personal status?

Nothing but rumors.


How many people have you slept with?

None, I’m an insomniac.


Where were you born?

At the hospital.


Where was the hospital?

Right where I was born.


How many languages do you speak?

One at a time.


Are you an optimist?

I hope so.


Are you religious?

I believe so.


Why are you so odd?

Because I can’t even.


Have you ever been wrong?

I thought I was once, but I was mistaken.


Why did you throw bread at everyone in the Indian restaurant?

Because I practice naan-violence.


Why do you ride a skateboard?

Because my horse drinks too much.


Why do you ride a surfboard?

Because my horse took my skateboard.


Why were you attacked by a crowd?

Because I told an incite joke.


Do you do volunteer work?

Yes, but I am currently on strike over a wage dispute.


Are there any questions you refuse to answer?


Why do you swim with sharks?

I don’t, they swim with me.


Are you liberal or conservative?

I can be, but choose not to.


What kind of music do you like?

The kind I write.


What kind of music do you write?

The kind I like.


Do you believe in ghosts?

I saw one once and was in disbelief.


Do you believe in UFOs?

No, but I believe in the X-Files.


What is your favorite color?

That one.


Are you really a Zookeeper?

Only when I am not at the zoo.


Where is the best place to draw a perpendicular line?

In a parallel universe.


If you could have dinner with any historical figure, whom would you choose?



But Hamlet is not an historical figure, is he?

Fine, then I’ll meet him for lunch.


Why did you become a professor?

Because the circus left town.


Are you just trolling people?

See next question.


Why should I believe anything you say?

See previous question.


How can I make sure my bae never forgets me?

Make them a durian and limburger sandwich and leave it on the dashboard of their car on a hot summer day. Trust me, they’ll never forget you.


What’s your favorite wine?

The one that’s in my glass.


What’s your second favorite wine?

The one that’s in your glass.


So is the glass half-empty, or half-full?

It doesn’t matter, as long as it contains good bourbon.


Where does your companion pig sleep?

In a blanket.


Why did you castrate the unicorn?

I thought he said he was a eunuchorn.


Why are you such a smartass?

Because it’s better than being a dumbass.


If I invite a sloth out for a drink, what do I order for her?

Sloe gin.


What do I order for a cow?



What’s the best pick-up line for an elephant?

Whatcha gonna do with all that junk in your trunk?


Why did you go to Finland to see a doctor?

To get a saunagram.


What’s the best gift to give to Stephen Hawking?

Black coal.


Why do you refuse to read A Christmas Carol?

Because it was mostly ghost written.